I read an article from a “running publication” the other day that listed the “5 Sexy Things Runners Do.” Mama Mia. What malarkey! The article focused on the titillating nature of fanny packs. I first thought the article was an infomercial for some fuel belt company then read it again to make sure I wasn’t missing the satire. Alas, I did not. Unless I’m a poor reader, the author was serious. What follows is my response to that scurrilous piece of journalism. Below are The 5 Sexy Things Runners Do:
1. Strip. Taking a layer of clothing off while running is downright lascivious. One doesn’t even have to strip down to skin. It could be winter. Taking off one layer to reveal another is scintillating but even more so when that layer is skin. Since it’s summer, we’ll also disclose the downright steaminess of split shorts. Whether you have that extra X chromosome or not, a split short with a three-inch inseam is one of the sexiest things a fit runner can wear.
2. Douse. The water over the head is the runner’s version of that scene from Cool Hand Luke. “Ohhh Lucille.” (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, click here). But what’s even better than water over the head is being doused in your own sweat. Beads of sweat at the brow or clavicle, “Come on Eileen, Oh I swear….” But beware: keep a towel on hand because if your sweat glands give Niagra Falls a run for its money…well, that’s not good. Just a few sexy droplets should do the trick.
3. Stretch. Lean into it. Ahhh that’s it. That’s right. Feels good. Looks good. Supple is super sexy.
4. Tempo. Think Goldilocks and the three bears. Run too slow and you look like a hobby jogger. Run too fast and you lose any type of sexual composure. Grunting, weird faces, losing any semblance of form are not exactly turn-ons (well, maybe the grunting is if you’re into that sorta thing). Find the tempo pace, find the perfect rhythm, and you have yourself a thing of beauty. At tempo, your form becomes symmetrical and you are the embodiment of poetry in motion. A Petrarchan sonnet.
5. Believe. Runners who believe in themselves while not taking it to the extreme of arrogance are downright sexy. I like those who exude a quiet confidence the best. They show up, race hard, and believe that their training will carry them through the race. They talk with their legs instead of running their mouths. Nothing is sexier than self-assuredness.
That’s the 5 Sexy Things List. To read the 5 Unsexy Things Runners Do, click here.