And here are The 5 Unsexy Things Runners Do:
1. Stop. Water stops aren’t meant to be taken literally. You are not supposed to actually stop at a water stop. It’s confusing, I know. I was finishing up a marathon once (mile 25-ish) while someone was finishing a half marathon and this rather clueless participant (I can’t bring myself to use the term “runner”), plopped itself (intentional pronoun), plum in front of the water stop blocking the accessibility of it for the rest of us. At least move up onto the curb. Never stop dead in the middle of a race course. U-G-L-Y. Unfortunately, this experience isn’t unique to me. A similar thing happened to another Legion member. Click here for proof and read Matt’s answer to the question, “How did the last few miles play out?”
2. Excrete. Dispensing any fluid or gas while running is decidedly unsexy. That includes farts, sharts, Hershey squirts, snotrockets, excessive sweat, vomit, or any other such thing. My friend uses the term “shitpolsion” and tells a story of coming out from the privet hedge topless. In a bit of an apropos moment he was wearing a Green Day Dookie shirt that never again saw the light of day. Evacuations such as this one cannot be deemed attractive. As for the above-the-neck-excretions, the snotrocket is most grossly common and there is at least a 50% shot that the snot lands on your own self. Boogers on the self are never a good look. Even. If. You. Are. Running. Exceptions do exist when it comes to bodily discharge and here is one: a woman spitting at the aforementioned (#4 of our sexy list) tempo pace. Toughness is such a turn-on. Guys, don’t even think about it. You don’t have the grace to pull it off.
Jorts are unsexy, especially when worn coming out of a portapotty.
3. Accessorize. Running is about nature and simplicity. Accessorizing is the antithesis of this, and, hence, very unsexy. It’s rather difficult to tap into nature when your GPS watch is beeping your pace cadence should you decide to rage against the machine. And don’t get me started on smart phones and mp3 players. Little else is more unattractive than a runner (more like jogger) fumbling and bumbling with an electronic device trying to find that perfect song or to reply to that oh-so-essential text message. Another superfluous accessory is the fanny pack. Unless you are running an ultra, you don’t need it. It’s not a good look. Running with the fanny pack is the equivalent of being that guy at the BBQ wearing jorts, white crew socks, and even whiter New Balance 800s. Last gripe here: Some “athletes” even wear makeup and perfume/cologne when running. Hey, your scent could cause olfactive damage to other runners. Stop it. Once more, metrosexuals are runners too but leave the Axe body spray and sugary sweet hair gel until after you finish up your 5K.
4. Lie. If you lie about your running accomplishments, you are a loser. Don’t be a loser. Tell the truth, like the 99% of of us who believe in the truth and integrity of our sport. Dopers are liars too. You are cheating your rivals by giving yourself an unfair advantage. Lying about a PR is despicable as well-but shades of gray reveal themselves in this realm. What’s your 5K PR? Road, track, certified, uncertified, Hollis? Wow. Things get complicated. This is where you have to listen to that small, little voice inside your heart. Give that answer when someone asks. No need to be a peacock. Nobody picks the peacock to represent his inner beast. Why would you act like one now? And this might not be a lie exactly, but it’s close enough: always making excuses. If you are that someone whose shoe always comes untied or whose side always gets elbowed, you are lame. And remember: nobody wants to procreate with the lame, especially the lame of heart.
#5. Well, I can’t think of a fifth, so I guess there are only four unsexy things runners do, proving that on the whole running is so much sexier than not running.
The LVL would love to hear your thoughts on this. What did we forget? With what do you (dis)agree? Leave a comment. Be a part of the Legion. We are the Level Renner. You are the Level Renner.
Thank you to all who contributed to this article, especially those who left comments on Facebook regarding this topic. Allison Lynch and Victoria Barnaby were particularly helpful in their contributions.
Bonus Material: Check out this hilarious video by Wiles Thing Studios for an extension of just how unsexy jorts are.
