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Embargoed until April 1, 2016

by Nich Haber

First Move is to Institute Metric Timing System

QUOHOG, Rhode Island, USA

The International Association of Athletics Federations (IAAF) today in a surprise move has named former Governor of Rhode Island, and one-time Democratic candidate for President, Lincoln Chafee as the new President of the Association. Mr. Chafee replaces Sebastian Coe, who stepped down after the much reported last-straw scandal involving Nike, Run Gum and Suzy Favor Hamilton.

IAAF Media Spokesperson Guy de Pantalone today in announcing the appointment indicated that Chafee’s remarkable ethics were what motivated the board to hire him. “Lincoln Chafee has never been investigated by the FBI. For a politician in a state like Rhode Island, that’s remarkable”.

When asked about his commitment to track & field, Chafee highlighted the great accomplishments of athletics in his home state. “Rhode Island consistently punches above its weight. Providence had five residents compete at the London 2012 Olympics in Track & Field events. And the recent successes of NE Distance, the New England Distance project out of Woonsocket is icing on the cake. As far as my own history with athletics – well like many other politicians, I know how to run out in front of a crowd and turn it into a parade”.

In his first move as IAAF President, Chafee announced his plan to institute a metric timing system into the sport of track & field. “We really need to modernize this sport. Every other measurement, from distance to heights and weights uses base ten, yet for timing we still use the Babylonian base 60 system. It’s barbaric.”

The metric timing system divides a day in to ten equal units called decidays and each deciday has ten units called centidays. “I remember stories my great grampy told me of the Flying Finn, Lauri Lehtinen who first broke the centiday barrier in the 5,000 meters back in 1932. Ten laps around that 500 meter cinder track, he ran like the hands of a clock. When the announcer broke the finish time through the megaphone, you just heard ‘Zero point’ and the crowd went nuts. I still get the hairs on the back of my head standing up just thinking about it”.

Chafee also announced that the headquarters of the IAAF will be moving from Monaco to Quohog Rhode Island in the US. “I’m a block of granite. I don’t like to go anywhere, so we should put the headquarters next to my house”.

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