I came home to find a notice stuck in my door (every door in my hallway had one) from my building’s management company. It contained some of the typical messages, such as the proper handling of trash and parking garage procedures. There was a new nugget in there that jumped right out at me. Yeah…I’ll just transcribe it for your viewing pleasure:

The workout room – I for one, am a gym guru so I understand how difficult it can be to get in a “good” workout amidst a hectic schedule. The exercise equipment is professionally maintained by Acme Corp. During their inspections they check belt [sic] on treadmills, components of the elliptical, and frayed wires on cable driven equipment. That being said, the workout room here at the Residences is undoubtedly a valuable asset, but please do keep in mind that residents who abut the workout room can be easily disturbed. Thus, I ask that you PLEASE use common courtesy when using the equipment. The treadmill should NOT be turned up full blast, weights should NOT be dropped, and music should be kept at a minimum. I also request that residents refrain from RUNNING on the treadmills after 9PM. To assist in the reduction of noise, Acme Corp has installed several components to the treadmills, and has ordered pads that the treadmills sit atop to reduce the constant pounding of runner’s feet on the treadmill. The treadmills here at the Residences are designed for a light walk, to a steady run. They are in no way designed to handle heavy running or constant sprinting.

Wow. That’s a somewhat douchey way to start off the message. A regular gym rat, huh? That brings a few things to mind. The three things he asks are all three things that are common occurrences in any gym. You’d think a guru would know that? Yeah, dropping the weights is frowned upon (and I find it annoying myself), but it happens on the regular. I can’t see it being a problem in our “gym”, with the carpeted floors and light selection of dumbbells. As far as residents that abut the gym, the gym shares no walls with residences and nobody lives below it. That just leaves the poor souls who live above it. I really wonder how much noise you hear from something below you that is seldom used? Most of the time when I’m in there I’m either alone or working out next to someone who voted for Roosevelt. Yeah, they won’t be throwing weights around. The only thing I ever thought of as a possible a disturbance was the TV, but apparently that didn’t make the list. When you’re on the treadmill you have to turn it up real loud to hear it, but you don’t realize how loud it is until you stop your “light running or walking”. I really don’t see how music’s an issue since there’s no stereo system in there. Are people really abusing the boombox with the cassette deck? I’ve never seen it in use. Maybe I would if I could find my old mix tapes…

That brings us finally to the piece addressing treadmill use, which is my main reason for ranting. The treadmills are your average type that you’d find anywhere. They are designed to run however you see fit. One of them is newer and quite nice. I was excited when it was installed because a.) its predecessor had a habit of coming to a cold stop without warning (really sucks at 6 min pace) and b.) the new one goes faster than 5 min pace. This guru claims they were designed for walking or light running, yet it goes fast enough to allow you to keep your illegal pet cheetah in shape through the winter? Bullshit! Maybe they meant it to read as the intended purpose of the treadmills is for walking or light running, but instead it appears they are trying to scare us into thinking we’ll break their expensive equipment by using it like it was built to be used.

After reading this note you’d think that it was some fancy gym but it’s really not all that special. There’s a cable machine and a recumbent bike that both look like they were picked up off the curb after their original owners tried to get rid of them back in 1983. Then there’s a pile of discarded ab equipment, the type of stuff that you’ve seen on infomercials over the years.

Anybody else have a gym in their building with strange rules? Or have just come across strange treadmill guidelines somewhere along the line?